THE WORDS I WILL NEVER SAY TO YOU

I don't know what time it is, but its late and all I hear is the sound of drizzling rain outside my window and wind hitting against the glass.

 I turn over my pillow to the cold side but there isn't one. 

I've been staring at raindrops on the window mentally betting on which ones gonna win. 

Cobwebs on the corners of my ceiling and books- in massive piles- all over my desk and floor. 

My eyes hurt when I turn on my phone and I cant see anything for a few seconds. Still squinting I click on your contact and your last seen is a few minutes ago. I wonder what you were doing up this late because I still remember how tired you'd get by 11 pm. I wonder who you were talking to. I cant help but wish it was me. 

I'm about to say hello, but I cant get myself to because I don't know what i could say to make it all better or how I could make you understand why it all happened the way it did.

I scroll up longing to read your last words. But. There aren't any. Because I deleted them. Deleted our last conversation. Deleted the pictures and cliche love quotes because I just couldn't take it. Now. I'm just staring at a blank screen.

I look at your profile picture. You finally changed it. I try to make myself understand that this is for the best. Distance makes it all better. But I cant. I cant feel you through that screen. I try to remember all our warm embraces but I cant feel them anymore either. I try remembering all the stupid things you said. But there were so many. I try. And. I fail. I fail to remember your smile and your favorite color. Has it actually been that long?

I shuffle through a drawer and find all those handwritten letters. And a wilted rose. The one you said would never die. I read every every curve and all the dots on your i's when you spelled out my name. I can't hear your voice in my head anymore. 

All that's left is me.

 I convince myself that I'm enough. But I guess I'm not.

 The room is dimly lit. Just like the first movie we saw together. I remember how you had put your head on my shoulder and whispered how perfect we were. How happy you were in that moment.

 I take off the necklace I'm wearing and bring it to the flame of the only candle in the room. The pendant is the most beautiful thing I owned. Emerald green stone in antique silver. I can't feel your hands on my neck shyly putting it on me anymore.

 I should've written back to all the letters and said the words when you needed to hear them most. I should have given you more to remember. 

The flame burns out because the wind is too strong. Under the blankets, I wish I could feel everything again- Just. One. More. Time. 

I hold onto the pillow and say goodnight to my wandering mind. All we needed was more time. A longer and tighter hug to make it all okay. We were almost there. Almost is never enough. 

They say it rains for endless hours when you wish for something you can't have. It was drizzling until I fell asleep That's when the sky gave away and poured all night long.
~Bricoleur xo