REALISATIONS.

I'm sitting down at my desk right now- window wide open, wind in my face, head aching to write because its the only way I can let it all out. I realised I do a lot of thinking and one thing leads to another. I realised I make things sadder than they have to be. I make things sound a lot worse than they should. I realise that there are too many versions of me in this universe. The girl I bumped into but didn't stop to say sorry to has a version of me in her mind. The teacher who saw me sitting criss-crossed on the floor with my head against the wall like everything was coming to an end has another version of me. The guy I let copy my homework has a different version of me. Even my friends and family and everyone I have, and haven't met in my life has their own version of me that I will never be aware of. I realise I'm scared of the future and what could be but at the same time I'm scared of what couldn't be. I'm scared of the things I might have to sacrifice. I'm scared of giving up so much of myself, so much so that I won't have anything left. I'm scared of losing these people I surround myself with, even the bad ones, because somehow they make up who I am. I realise that I let them decide who I am. I realise they don't really know who I am. And then I realise I don't either.

I think there's alot that I have missed out on and a lot I will continue to miss out on because I fail to live in the moment and cherish what I have now. Instead, I hold on to the past and this imaginary future that I have no control over and let it destroy me completely and wholly until there's nobody left because I realise people will leave once the sadness gets too much. I realise I am tired of being alone, but I am always alone, with people around me. And I am so tired of being surrounded, but I am always surrounded, even when I am by myself. I realise that I pretend a lot. I pretend to be happy I pretend to care and moreover I pretend not to care. I realise I'm so full of myself and my problems that I fail to see whats going on around me. I forget to slow down and talk to that girl who's always sitting alone in class. I forget to ask someone how their day was and how they spent their weekend. Because I believe that its from these things that you get to know a person- Not from their posts on Instagram or how often they text you. The hours pass by so slowly and everything looks the same- the same broken ground, the same crisp breeze and sky that's always too blue but never blue enough to make me realise that when I look back, the moments I forgot to hold onto have changed into big hallways and crowded rooms where my eyes constantly search for something that's never there. I realise how much I hate everything around me. I realise how much I hate me for being me.

I also hate that perfume I can't wear anymore and those songs I cant listen to because they remind me of what used to be and what could have been, of all the stupid things I said. And all my mistakes.

Sitting here, staring into space, drowning in my own thoughts- something I wouldn't give up for a love deeper than the oceans. I realise writing is an intellect's way of bleeding. And parts of me are dead and parts of me will continue to die every time I sit down, with the window wide open, wind in my face, head aching to write. 

HAPPY EID EVERYONE! 

I also realised I have an obsession with complicated words that describe those things you can't really describe, like- Petrichor: the pleasant scent of rain on dry earth and Tacenda: things better left unsaid or Chrysalism: the amniotic tranquillity of being indoors during a thunderstorm

What are your favourite words?
~Nidhi xo