BRICOLEUR

So I realized that everyone who makes it big has a tragic back story. They've been neglected by their parents or lost someone who made the sun shine a little brighter in their lives or lived through some heart-wrenching-fatal-but-not-really disease.  But then there's me. My life has been pretty average and my parents have loved me and supported me throughout. Sure its not been a walk in the park but whatever has happened has probably happened to any other person. Its nothing special or unique. And that's when I found myself longing for a dreadful past that I'd be able  to tell one day in one of those interviews that all the so-called important people are questioned on. I just find something really intriguing about the way knowing what happened before the lime-light hit changes your entire perspective of the person.  So what if I never have that interesting personality for people to look at and be like wow-she's-lived-through-it-all. What if... ~ The ...

I don't know what time it is, but its late and all I hear is the sound of drizzling rain outside my window and wind hitting against the glass.  I turn over my pillow to the cold side but there isn't one.  I've been staring at raindrops on the window mentally betting on which ones gonna win.  Cobwebs on the corners of my ceiling and books- in massive piles- all over my desk and floor.  My eyes hurt when I turn on my phone and I cant see anything for a few seconds. Still squinting I click on your contact and your last seen is a few minutes ago. I wonder what you were doing up this late because I still remember how tired you'd get by 11 pm. I wonder who you were talking to. I cant help but wish it was me.  I'm about to say hello, but I cant get myself to because I don't know what i could say to make it all better or how I could make you understand why it all happened the way it did. I scroll up longing to read your last words. But. There aren't an...

I loved the way you loved me. Because something in you reflected me. Your eyes made me realize that I'm more than just a black cloud. A black cloud- with a streak of silver. You highlighted me. And every time your lips found mine,   I melted. Melted into silver and gold- with a streak of black. But as my cloud changed colors, Yours darkened. Your eyes weren't the same blue anymore. I wondered why. But before I figured you out, You were nothing but a black cloud- with a streak of silver. You found me. But you lost yourself. ~esha xo

  How do you lose yourself? You're a tenth grader and you decide it's high time and you better start being serious. You do all your work, keep yourself occupied all the time so that you barely have time to even socialise, but, you stop doing the little things you enjoyed doing. You don't sing in the shower anymore and you don't wander off in your own world of peculiar imagination and you soon realise that you've lost your creativity. Before, it was so easy to get over tough times.  Of course, back then, you had support from just about everyone you knew.  I mean, you could literally just brush off your problems and begin again. But now, all your problems just seem to add up. You're less bubbly now and you barely know what to say in conversations. The distance between you and the people that mean the world to you just gets bigger and bigger. You upset people without having the slightest bit of knowledge on what you did wrong. YOU'RE MISUNDERSTOOD. You worke...

I'm sitting down at my desk right now- window wide open, wind in my face, head aching to write because its the only way I can let it all out. I realised I do a lot of thinking and one thing leads to another. I realised I make things sadder than they have to be. I make things sound a lot worse than they should. I realise that there are too many versions of me in this universe. The girl I bumped into but didn't stop to say sorry to has a version of me in her mind. The teacher who saw me sitting criss-crossed on the floor with my head against the wall like everything was coming to an end has another version of me. The guy I let copy my homework has a different version of me. Even my friends and family and everyone I have, and haven't met in my life has their own version of me that I will never be aware of. I realise I'm scared of the future and what could be but at the same time I'm scared of what couldn't be. I'm scared of the things I might have to sacrifi...

Those unsent letters Half unwritten poems Those times when you just want to complete the puzzle but you're scared that something unexpected might turn up. Should I? Or should I not? All those nights when you sit by you sit by your window looking at the grey sky and asking yourself if you even belong in this face of the world. Do you? Maybe. Maybe not. Every time you watch a candle turn into a heap of wax you realise that once you're asleep, you wouldn't really matter anymore. Would you? You don't think so. You just hope you would, really. Every time you're pushed down you ask yourself what you're even awake for. Do you think you really needed that? Yeah, me neither. Those times when you loose a person who meant everything to you. Your  everybody .You wonder if they  sit up all night thinking about it as well, or they're just getting on with it. Did you ever really matter to them? You pray that at some point, you did. Those grey nights wher...

Hey, I know we haven't seen each other or even talked to each other in a while. But I want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that- I miss you. Not 'I regret what happened' or 'I wanna see you again', just... I miss you . Just- I miss you. It's so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you, at all. Most of the time I let myself forget because it's easier. But then I find something- A photo, a gift, the stupid love letters we used to give each other and the full weight of what's being lost crashes down on me. Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you- again. But all those feelings become empty thoughts when I look back now remembering that love isn't what it seems. It's just so easy to forget...but this isn't regret, we had our reasons for ending it and they were as valid as...