SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TRYING AND ALMOST FALLING

We've all been there, haven't we? That awkward stage of so-called love where you fall in love with your first crush in your teenage years and then watch them give that love to someone else who gives that love to someone else who gives that love to someone else who gives........It's a never ending chain. But then there's the super lucky people who have everything together in life and they and their partner are totally #tumblrrelationshipgoals. And you sit and wonder why your life had to be so messed up and why you could never be that person whom they fell in love with...Ugh. Teenage Love. And even more sadly, your first love never leaves you. You fall harder day by day, slowly wondering why you even exist when their totally perfect boyfriend/girlfriend makes them so happy. And for the cherry on the top, you try to convince yourself that it's for the best. Because you'd rather see them happy, even if their happiness doesn't include you. 

Just admit it. We've all been there. It's not something to be ashamed of or something to feel worthless about. It's as normal as it can be. But what isn't normal, is letting that past tie you down and make your heart feel heavy. When it makes you overcautious and leaves you in a state of confusion with everyone else and everything else around you. Sadly, I had to learn this the hard way. And even more unfortunately, I'm still in the process of learning it. Honestly, I just feel like I'll never learn. It hurts. Yes. It does. A lot more than I want it to. Sometimes it makes me crazy how much someone (who doesn't even care about my existence any more) makes me feel so insecure...about myself. That's the worst part. It destroys you. Yourself. Your confidence, self-esteem, your happiness, everything nice. Everything that you wanted to enjoy in life...with that one human being. 

But then now that I'm not so blind any more, I know that it wasn't love. It was just a mere infatuation. The first one tends to leave quite an impact. Only because you put so much effort and convinced yourself that all you wanted in life was them. At that one point, it was all that mattered. To be the one who makes them smile. To be the one who stands out for them. To be the special lucky one. Looking back now, that takes the trophy for the most stupid things I've done in life. And thankfully, there were people who helped me past it and people who still are. You would call me dumb if I told you that I'm still not over it. But go back...back to the days of your first love. Think of how desperate you were, But if you're living a happy life now, I didn't end up as lucky as you. I regret everything. Our first kiss. The stupid conversations. Everything. I wish I could go back and tell myself that everything couldn't be sugar coated. That in the end, I would be the one hurt. I would be the one spending all my nights and bombarding myself with useless thoughts. But despite all this, I...I still wish I was lucky enough. That I could tell you that my story ended perfect. But it's OK. I'm here now. And beyond that, I could love again. And I'm happy. That's all that matters. 

If you're reading this and you feel  like a complete waste of space, keep your eyes wide open. It's not time to give up yet. You should realize that someone else felt like a waste of space because...they never got your love. In someone else's life, you were the only thing that mattered to them. And it's not too late and it never will be. Now get your ass up and start loving like you should. And a few words of advice for you amigo, take your time. The most beautiful rainbows appear after the strongest of rains. 

"Never fall in love, darling. Everything that falls breaks." Just LOVE.                      ~xo