BRICOLEUR

So (chill, its not the end), here we all are at the end of another year. A not-so-great-year. 2016 wasn't really everyone's favorite. So we're all doing the same two things: 1. Either taking numerous resolutions, big or small, and saying how 2017 is going to be the wayyy better 2. Not taking any resolutions, knowing you won't stick to it and will soon give up. You're just saying this isn't your time. Well, well, well...I do not have anything catchy to say...uhhh, here we all are..?!! Okay the point is, we haven't been doing a really great job with the blog. All of us hit some lows and gave up on lots of things, waiting for the tide to turn over, and nothing has been really inspiring enough. I don't know whether I can we've tried. We were struggling. And it became harder to hold on to everything we represented, including this blog.  Well, we're hoping we could turn it around, starting 2017. And that's ironic because I came to a concl...

Truth is we're all self conceited narcissists hidden behind layers of modesty and "no I'm not beautiful, what are you talking about" By comparison and "no, at least I don't look as bad as he/she does", we give ourselves status and reputation. I promise the imaginary problems we create for ourselves will disappear when we all figure out that we can't compare the beauty of a moonlit sky to that of a dawning sunrise-  Our biggest mistake. ~The Stories Untold Pt.4

I waited. And I waited long. I discove red a calmness in my self like never before and every night, before I close my eyes, I thought of you. Your dark messy hair and brown eyes... ~The Stories Untold Pt.3

Im sure we've all gone through this feeling of extreme sadness where you feel like you're never ever going to get better again and the world begins to get smaller by the second and your significance seems to vanish. and then you do the terrible mistake of venting to someone you know  isnt going to make you feel better. and they give you the old "other people have it worse" dialogue. I think that's the shittiest thing to say to anyone including yourself.  Fine. I admit it. Half the time my conscience keeps saying that but it seems pretty stupid when you think about it. Saying other people have it worse is like saying you dont deserve to be happy about the small things you have because other people have it far better. ~ The Stories Untold Pt.2

So I realized that everyone who makes it big has a tragic back story. They've been neglected by their parents or lost someone who made the sun shine a little brighter in their lives or lived through some heart-wrenching-fatal-but-not-really disease.  But then there's me. My life has been pretty average and my parents have loved me and supported me throughout. Sure its not been a walk in the park but whatever has happened has probably happened to any other person. Its nothing special or unique. And that's when I found myself longing for a dreadful past that I'd be able  to tell one day in one of those interviews that all the so-called important people are questioned on. I just find something really intriguing about the way knowing what happened before the lime-light hit changes your entire perspective of the person.  So what if I never have that interesting personality for people to look at and be like wow-she's-lived-through-it-all. What if... ~ The ...

I don't know what time it is, but its late and all I hear is the sound of drizzling rain outside my window and wind hitting against the glass.  I turn over my pillow to the cold side but there isn't one.  I've been staring at raindrops on the window mentally betting on which ones gonna win.  Cobwebs on the corners of my ceiling and books- in massive piles- all over my desk and floor.  My eyes hurt when I turn on my phone and I cant see anything for a few seconds. Still squinting I click on your contact and your last seen is a few minutes ago. I wonder what you were doing up this late because I still remember how tired you'd get by 11 pm. I wonder who you were talking to. I cant help but wish it was me.  I'm about to say hello, but I cant get myself to because I don't know what i could say to make it all better or how I could make you understand why it all happened the way it did. I scroll up longing to read your last words. But. There aren't an...

I loved the way you loved me. Because something in you reflected me. Your eyes made me realize that I'm more than just a black cloud. A black cloud- with a streak of silver. You highlighted me. And every time your lips found mine,   I melted. Melted into silver and gold- with a streak of black. But as my cloud changed colors, Yours darkened. Your eyes weren't the same blue anymore. I wondered why. But before I figured you out, You were nothing but a black cloud- with a streak of silver. You found me. But you lost yourself. ~esha xo

  How do you lose yourself? You're a tenth grader and you decide it's high time and you better start being serious. You do all your work, keep yourself occupied all the time so that you barely have time to even socialise, but, you stop doing the little things you enjoyed doing. You don't sing in the shower anymore and you don't wander off in your own world of peculiar imagination and you soon realise that you've lost your creativity. Before, it was so easy to get over tough times.  Of course, back then, you had support from just about everyone you knew.  I mean, you could literally just brush off your problems and begin again. But now, all your problems just seem to add up. You're less bubbly now and you barely know what to say in conversations. The distance between you and the people that mean the world to you just gets bigger and bigger. You upset people without having the slightest bit of knowledge on what you did wrong. YOU'RE MISUNDERSTOOD. You worke...

I'm sitting down at my desk right now- window wide open, wind in my face, head aching to write because its the only way I can let it all out. I realised I do a lot of thinking and one thing leads to another. I realised I make things sadder than they have to be. I make things sound a lot worse than they should. I realise that there are too many versions of me in this universe. The girl I bumped into but didn't stop to say sorry to has a version of me in her mind. The teacher who saw me sitting criss-crossed on the floor with my head against the wall like everything was coming to an end has another version of me. The guy I let copy my homework has a different version of me. Even my friends and family and everyone I have, and haven't met in my life has their own version of me that I will never be aware of. I realise I'm scared of the future and what could be but at the same time I'm scared of what couldn't be. I'm scared of the things I might have to sacrifi...

Those unsent letters Half unwritten poems Those times when you just want to complete the puzzle but you're scared that something unexpected might turn up. Should I? Or should I not? All those nights when you sit by you sit by your window looking at the grey sky and asking yourself if you even belong in this face of the world. Do you? Maybe. Maybe not. Every time you watch a candle turn into a heap of wax you realise that once you're asleep, you wouldn't really matter anymore. Would you? You don't think so. You just hope you would, really. Every time you're pushed down you ask yourself what you're even awake for. Do you think you really needed that? Yeah, me neither. Those times when you loose a person who meant everything to you. Your  everybody .You wonder if they  sit up all night thinking about it as well, or they're just getting on with it. Did you ever really matter to them? You pray that at some point, you did. Those grey nights wher...

Hey, I know we haven't seen each other or even talked to each other in a while. But I want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that- I miss you. Not 'I regret what happened' or 'I wanna see you again', just... I miss you . Just- I miss you. It's so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you, at all. Most of the time I let myself forget because it's easier. But then I find something- A photo, a gift, the stupid love letters we used to give each other and the full weight of what's being lost crashes down on me. Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you- again. But all those feelings become empty thoughts when I look back now remembering that love isn't what it seems. It's just so easy to forget...but this isn't regret, we had our reasons for ending it and they were as valid as...

As an add-on to the last post where a lot of us could relate to school and the pressure and those useless to-do lists, I decided to highlight the reason some of us are pulling all-nighters finishing assignments and homework which we obviously could have done like three days ago but pssht- Ain't nobody got time for that. It must've been the 'weekend' or a 'favourite TV show' or feeling the need to 'binge watch every single video on Buzzfeed' (but really cmon everyone's done that at least once)- all of which were much more important (obviously) than those chapters of physics and math problems- the ones you look at and give that long * sigh * to every time your eyes find them stacked on your desk, before you walk away avoiding the long hours of hard work you'll have to put in to complete them. Flash forward to 12am Sunday night - you're probably still texting your friends telling them about all the work you didn't do and how you'...

If you're anything like me, school is just an endless cycle of  'I need to make it through this week', every week. I hate school. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my friends and learning new things everyday.I hate school because we get judged for how well we can memorise our textbooks. We go to school 6-7 hours a day and take classes that probably won't benefit us in the long run and go home and do 3 hours of homework. We learn about covalent bonds and quadratic equations and how to prove triangles similar? Totally going to help us when we are struggling in real life situations. On the other hand teaching us how to be better people might be slightly beneficial given that  more than half the people in high school are 99.9% bitch. Now that we've established my hatred, reality is there's nothing we can do about it. The system is never going to change and neither are the people around us. We have almost 2 weeks to the over exaggerated, time-to-put-in-hard work...

Looking outside the window, I can't help smiling to myself about how obsessed I am with the quote " Autumn is such a beautiful season; yet everything is dying ". It was probably because I see it everyday. Autumn doesn't last forever in the plant side. It's passed on. To us humans. And then back again. Thus it repeats. But if noticed, autumn is more of a human phase rather than a season. The trees look absolutely stunning.  So does the girl in front of me. Like everyone who despised beauty and threw rocks at diamonds, I can't help admit that iI  once  thought she was what everyone used to say. Since she's wearing shorts, it didn't take much time while i was passing by to notice the marks on her thighs. They were claws. Jagged lines that ended abruptly. Scars. Never had anyone looked more beautiful. I have to admit, I couldn't help admiring them. They were beautiful in a way that a face of clear skin could never be, a kind that couldn't even...

As absurd as this sounds, you're the only one who'll understand. I miss the tests, the projects, tons of homework. Yeah it sounds like I'm a nerd but no. It takes my mind off things. I like having a book by my side always. And I do.  I do have 2 books. I have maybe like a few leftover sums and questions to complete,  but today isn't the same. Never have I felt so lonely in my room. Never have I been in the dark and thought about anything but ghosts. But today,  I'm not afraid of the dark. It's my solace now. My companion. My shadow. Never have I ever sat on my bed and felt lost. Never have I sat at my table and felt...useless... or hopeless you could say. like~ Why breathe if you know you're going to die anyway? Today,  I can concentrate. I never thought that things could just turn. I mean I know pain and joy are two sides of the coin,  but how can these be so extreme? They say there's sunshine after rain,  good th...

 It all began like any other story. We hated each other cold. But it melted away when the first few sparks of friendship changed everything. The sparks grew into a strong blue flame. Somehow it never managed to turn red. It was almost like a masquerade. We pretended to be and not to be. Surprisingly it only brought us closer. We used to build ourselves this perfect world and break it all apart ever so often that it became a routine. We turned friendship cynical.  We did the stupidest things and I have so much to remember. Honestly, I dont think I was anything or anyone before these people. They've changed me in an irreversible way and I dont really know if I'm supposed to be grateful or lost to myself. I loved how we could talk about nothing and everything at the same time. They gave me a sense of belonging and I felt complete. Together we were the sharp autumn breeze on searing afternoons. Summer soon drifted and turned into autumn itself and like everyone else we fa...

Messed up,  the definition of every teenager's life. and then we all do the stupid mistake of thinking we're the only ones. We point at one another and judge how much easier the other has it. It's staying up late and thinking about people who don't care and probably wont ever care. It's taking up a handful of problems when you know you're never going to be able to hold them all together. It's staring into infinity and realising everything's changed and that its never going to be the same ever again. It's being so sad that you cant even cry. It's breaking down at the most unexpected moments. It's screaming at the wrong people about the wrong things. It's accusing and misunderstanding. It's holding back and bottling up your thoughts because you don't want to be a burden. It's convincing yourself that you don't deserve to be happy. If you say you haven't gone through that you'd be lying. That would be smoke without ...

Society: Are you below 45 kgs? Girl: No but, it's okay I'm happy Society: Are you 5"9? Girl: No but I'm happy Society: Do you have a flawless face? Girl: No but I'm.... Society: Do you have long legs? Girl: No but... Society: Do you have a perfect figure? Girl: No.... Society: Do you have a perfect,beautiful smile? Society:  Do you have a thigh gap? Society: Do you have silky shiny hair? Society: You're soooo......ugly and unloved....and..... *Girl suicides* Society: But why did she suicide she was so pretty and loved and talented,she was so perfect.We all are going to miss her a lot. Society is never gonna change. You can never impress them, they are always gonna expect more and more from you. They are always gonna put you down. They are always gonna  say that you're too thin or too fat or too short or too tall or too...ughhhh...THEY CAN NEVER APPRECIATE AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE RUDE. There is no changing that...instead of trying to make yourself the so c...

We try finding ourselves in other people and when we see ourselves fade away, that's when the so called love disappears. Love is  kinda complicated right? It has the power to build us up and tear us down all at the same time. It brings you to your knees and brushes you against the fire of pain. Well now it doesn't sound too fun. But we want it anyway. When you're staring at yourself in the mirror with tears in your eyes begging yourself to just hold on and be strong, just because of "love". If this is love then what's the point? It gives you anxiety and makes you feel worthless and incompetent to a point where you become the air, the breeze and just a pebble in the ocean. Love hurts. A lot. And I wish I knew why because I feel torn apart from who I used to be and possibly who I've always wanted to be but I cant walk away. He makes me feel alive but dead. He makes me want to give up but hold on. He makes me see myself differently yet the same. And I lon...

We've all been there, haven't we? That awkward stage of so-called love where you fall in love with your first crush in your teenage years and then watch them give that love to someone else who gives that love to someone else who gives that love to someone else who gives........It's a never ending chain. But then there's the super lucky people who have everything together in life and they and their partner are totally #tumblrrelationshipgoals. And you sit and wonder why your life had to be so messed up and why you could never be that person whom they fell in love with...Ugh. Teenage Love. And even more sadly, your first love never leaves you. You fall harder day by day, slowly wondering why you even exist when their totally perfect boyfriend/girlfriend makes them so happy. And for the cherry on the top, you try to convince yourself that it's for the best. Because you'd rather see them happy, even if their happiness doesn't include you.  Just admit it. We...

I think there are often times when I find that I don't belong where I had been constantly forcing myself to be. Times when nobody seems to understand or relate to my thoughts and feelings. Us teenagers are 1 part human/understanding/feelings and 9 parts hypocrite. Its funny how people are always waiting to point out your mistakes and watch you fall but when you finally manage to do something right, its overlooked. We all struggle to keep up this image that everyone knows us as and then we say we build up our own walls. Well you know what? Those walls may look like your own but they were never built by you. They were built by the people around you. Take a closer look at them and you'll realise that those bricks are marked with their weaknesses and insecurities and everything they never wanted you to become. Well now it seems too late doesn't it. There are way too many walls and not enough bridges to get around. And we find ourselves stuck behind them with no one left...

"I was in the seventh grade when I first saw you, and I fell in love with your hazel brown eyes, messy hair and silly jokes.I fell in love with your terrible puns, stunning cheekbones and your senseless talks. I fell in love with you, completely, but dear little did I know that I must never fall in love cause everything that falls breaks.My little heart was broken into a million pieces, I wanted to follow my heart but it's in a million pieces which piece should I follow? I wanted to get over you but how, cause when I'm alone the sound of our silence engulfs me and suddenly beautiful old memories of us come back to me.I swear, I tried to forget you but those memories are forever stuck,trapped in my soul. Those nights are forever jailed in all four chambers of my heart. I'm angry but I still miss you. I'm broken but I still love you..... and no matter how hard you try to pull the ocean back it will never stop kissing the shore ; no matter how high the sky rises it...

OK  I'm not literally cracking but now would be a good time to say that the exam pressure has finally started to take its toll on me. Right now so many students are trying to wreck their brains cramming in all the information they can that should have been done earlier. If you are one of them and jobless enough to read this, you should probably calm down because hey you're not the only. Here I am as living proof(despite having 10 chapters to study for my social exam and doing nothing productive today other than this). What? There's only so much I can take...*starts singing human by Christina Perri*... LOL I've been doing all I can to get whatever kind of motivation. Seen all kinds of motivational videos, set too many timers, tried to take less breaks, eating chewing gum and then hoping that if I eat the same flavor during the exam it would help me remember. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. But don't worry I finally got my motivation. And it came from my best friend......